


When We Hold On (To the Past)

by YesIsAWorld



Category: Louis Tomlinson (Musician), One Direction (Band), Zayn Malik (Musician)
Genre: Drunk Sex, Ex Louis Tomlinson/Harry Styles, Explicit Sexual Content, Fallen Angels, Learning to Trust Again, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-20
Updated: 2020-07-20
Packaged: 2021-03-04 21:42:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,760
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25293379
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/YesIsAWorld/pseuds/YesIsAWorld
Summary: “Not a story to tell while we’re fucking,” Louis said with half a laugh. Zayn could drop the subject and keep fucking him, keep the strings from getting attached, pretend that they weren’t getting closer than Louis was comfortable with. Or Zayn could choose the opposite path—which he did.
Relationships: Zayn Malik/Louis Tomlinson
Comments: 9
Kudos: 65
Collections: Prompt 3.4: Sin





	When We Hold On (To the Past)

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to [Maggie](http://disgruntledkittenface.tumblr.com/) for betaing and somehow knowing exactly what I needed with this one, and [Lauren](http://kingsofeverything.tumblr.com/) for holding my hand through writing the draft, and of course [Sus](http://lululawrence.tumblr.com/) for running this fest!
> 
> This is part of a Wordplay prompt challenge for the prompt "sin". To read the amazing fics that were written by the others on this prompt, [click here](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/sin), and to see all fics written as part of the challenge (including years 1-3), [click here](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/wordplay_fic_challenge/works). You can also find the masterpost for this year’s challenge [here](https://wordplayfics.tumblr.com/post/622306139518926848/wordplay-2020-every-week-for-five-weeks-a-prompt).

While stationed on Earth, Louis had heard a great number of pop songs that perfectly explored the feeling of falling in love. He would know, since he himself had been falling in love. Harry was… everything. Sweet and beautiful and passionate and talented and humble and funny and and and and… It was the first time Louis experienced love. And he had let it fully consume him. There was no feeling like it. He understood, finally, the humans that he was there to help. And when he had been faced with an impossible choice, give up everything he had ever known to be with Harry forever or return to where he came from and continue his blissful existence without Harry, well, that was an easy choice. He sacrificed everything for Harry.

Only a year or so later, Harry made a different choice and walked away.

It was then Louis was able to relate to the even greater number of pop songs that perfectly explored the feeling of breaking up. 

He had given up everything, and then was abandoned by the one person who was supposed to stick around forever.

***

Louis had hit his limit for the night. No one standing around the bar had caught his attention, and the few people who had hit on him were so boring that he’d rather go home alone than spend another second with them. He put down his empty pint of Stella and asked for his tab. 

Niall gave it to him with a wink; it was half of what it should’ve been. Louis gave the full amount anyway. Niall was the best bartender he’d found.

As Niall collected Louis’ cash, his attention was drawn to the front of the bar. “Look what the cat dragged in,” Niall said. “Haven’t seen you all week, Z.”

Zayn licked his lips as his eyes caught Louis’. “You leaving?” Zayn asked. 

“Was about to, but now I’m thirsty for one more.”

“You heard him, Niall,” Zayn said. “A night cap for each of us, please.”

***

His bedposts rhythmically hit the wall as Zayn dicked into him. His neighbors in the next apartment probably hated him; not that Louis cared. They were welcome to complain to him instead of avoiding eye contact and ducking away when he came into their eyeline. 

Zayn grunted in his ear as he thrust and Louis held back a moan, choosing instead to dig his fingernails into the meat of Zayn’s shoulder. Zayn fucked harder, and Louis held on as his balls drew in tight. He tried to hold off, to sustain the feeling of _almost there_ as long as he could, but then he was coming, spurting onto his navel and biting down on his lip.

The euphoria was short lived, as always. Nothing but a tiny blip echoing his past life. 

He caught his breath as Zayn sped up; they had fallen into bed together enough times that Louis knew he was close, so he clenched tight around him, trying to help him get there faster. 

There was another series of groans from Zayn, then he pulled out, tossed the condom, and jacked himself quickly, adding to the mess on Louis’ body. 

Zayn rolled over next to Louis, letting out a deep breath. Then he was up and out of bed. Louis dragged a lazy finger through their mixed come as he watched him pull his clothes back on. Zayn was small, thin and surprisingly strong, covered in a web of overlapping tattoos, and this week had a pink fauxhawk. He was gorgeous; bone structure to die for and pouty lips. Plus, he was quick and discreet, never staying any longer than necessary after the job was done. 

“Catch you later?” he said, pulling on his leather jacket and swiping his hand through his hair. 

Louis lifted himself up on an elbow and gave a half-hearted wave goodbye. “I’ll be around.”

Zayn was, as Louis had learned the term from Niall, the perfect fuck buddy. 

***

A few weeks later they got to Louis’ place later, and drunker, than they normally do. The sex was just as good as always, but this time when Louis pulled out and dropped the filled condom in the trash, Zayn wasn’t getting out of bed. 

“Just… give me a moment,” Zayn said as Louis stumbled into the bathroom to piss. By the time Louis’ stupid human body was done, Zayn was snoring softly. Louis tried to wake him up, but after a few shoves with nothing more than a snuffle from Zayn, Louis gave up and laid down next to him. He wasn’t going to drag him out of bed and make him drive home when he was clearly exhausted; especially because that seemed like an awful lot of work when Louis was just as tired. 

Louis was surprised that Zayn was still there, still asleep, when he woke up to the sunrise blasting through the blinds he forgot to close when he was preoccupied the night before. Bleary eyed, Louis peed again, balancing himself with a hand on the wall in front of him, then splashed some water on his face and trekked into the kitchen in a pair of loose shorts to combat his hangover. Luckily he had eggs and bacon, so he fried them up while the coffee was brewing.

After eating and getting some caffeine into his system, Louis’ scrolling of social media on his phone was interrupted by Zayn finally wandering into the kitchen—naked. Louis could feel a question about his back piece coming, but instead Zayn asked, “You don’t have roommates, right?”

Louis shook his head. “Just me.”

“That’s what I thought.” Zayn sat his naked ass down on a kitchen chair. “Could I bother you for some coffee?”

“Sure.” Louis looked at dirty pans on the stove as he poured and without thinking it through offered, “I’ve got more eggs and bacon, if you want.”

“Fuck. Eggs would be heavenly. No bacon for me, though.”

Louis had only made breakfast for one other person in his life, but he pushed that thought away as he passed over the mug to Zayn. “I’ve got milk—”

“Black’s fine.” Zayn dropped his head, pillowing it on his crossed arms.

Louis’ hand shook as he cracked the eggs into the pan. He never mastered anything other than a fried egg, so that’s what he’ll do, and hopefully Zayn will be fine with it. He didn’t seem too bothered one way or another. And anyway it wasn’t like he was trying to impress Zayn anyway. If he didn’t like it, he could make it the last breakfast they shared. 

Which would be fine with Louis. 

He cooked silently, focused on the pan, and Zayn didn’t speak either. Zayn finally lifted his head when Louis set the plate down in front of him. “Thanks, bro.” He added a liberal amount of salt and pepper then dug in. Harry always added ketchup which grossed Louis out until he found it adorable, and eventually the thought turned his stomach. 

Louis made himself another cup of coffee and sat watching Zayn eat. 

“You new to the area?” Zayn asked once he finished. 

“Nope.”

Zayn nodded. “Cool.”

“Why?”

“Oh,” Zayn took a long drink of coffee, tilting the mug up high, hiding behind it. “It’s just… sparse. In here. Like you moved recently.”

“Been here about five years.”

“Cool,” Zayn said again. 

There wasn’t a lot Louis needed. He had his TV and his Playstation, laptop and phone, his bed and closet and shower, enough tools to make the few meals he knew how to cook when he was tired of takeout.

Zayn stood and cleared his dishes to the sink. “Thanks for breakfast.”

“Anytime,” Louis said automatically, like he was at work, pretending to do his job because he enjoyed it and not because it paid well.

Zayn recoiled minutely, brows furrowed then smoothed out. “It probably won’t happen again. I’m still not looking for anything serious.”

Louis shrugged. “Just being polite. Nothing’s changed for me either.”

“Cool. I’ll get out of your hair.” 

Louis washed the dishes and was drying the last pan when Zayn came out, fully dressed this time. He ducked his head into the kitchen. “See you later, Lou.” 

“I’m going out of town later this week, for work.” Louis found himself following Zayn to the front door, standing behind him as he bent down to put on his boots. He ogled Zayn’s ass while he had the opportunity. 

“See you when you get back then,” Zayn said, easily. He pressed a quick kiss to the side of Louis’ mouth, and then was gone. 

Louis locked the door behind him, then fell back into bed. 

***

The whole time he was away, Louis pushed thoughts of Zayn out of his brain. He didn’t want anything serious, and neither did Zayn. Which is why they worked. Minimal talking, maximal fucking. So thinking about how that quiet, hungover morning should’ve been far more awkward than it was wasn’t helpful. All it meant was that they could continue fucking in peace without one accidental breakfast ruining the good thing they had going on.

Louis also refused to think about his sparse apartment waiting for him when he got back. Back when he lived with Harry, Harry’s apartment had been full of trinkets and knick knacks and _stuff_. Stuff that proved he had a past. When Louis moved out, he let Harry keep it all—he didn’t see a reason to keep mementos of a love that had only hurt him in the end.

And that was the crux of not thinking about Zayn. It was fine now, the way they were. If he got any closer, he’d also be inviting in more pain, and he absolutely did not sign up for that experience.

***

If Louis knew the way he’d allow their relationship to snowball, he’d have pushed a still-snoring Zayn right out of his bed and demanded he leave that night. Instead, a couple more times after they hook up, Zayn spends the night again, and then a few more times after that, he does it again.

It was the morning that Zayn apparently left when Louis was still mostly asleep, and returned with pastries from the nearest bakery while Louis was powering on his Playstation, that he realized this could be a problem. 

But Zayn’s easy, “Oh, whatcha playing?” as he tucked his legs under him on the couch and bit into an apple fritter distracted Louis. 

Because Zayn also played Borderlands. So Louis tossed him the second controller and pulled an eclair out the bag for himself. 

They ordered pizza for a late lunch. 

Then Zayn blew him on the couch as the sun set. 

Louis fucked him over the kitchen table after they split a six-pack of beer then they polished off the pizza from that afternoon.

Zayn joined him in bed for the second night in a row. 

It was the first time Zayn wasn’t more asleep than awake, and though the conversation throughout the day had been mostly competitive jabs and a debate on pizza toppings, in the cover of darkness, sharing a bed, Zayn got personal. 

“You close with your family?”

Louis rolled over, laying on his stomach and turning his head toward Zayn. “Why?”

“I realized today why your place looks so empty. There’s no pictures.”

“No one to have pictures of,” Louis said, after a moment’s consideration. He’d go with the truth. “Don’t have any family.”

“ _Oof_ ,” Zayn sympathized. “Sorry.”

“Nothing to be sorry for.” It was all Louis knew.

“I’ve got three sisters. One older and two younger. We’re pretty close,” Zayn offers up. “My mom and dad too. So I can’t imagine them not being a phone call away.”

“Sounds nice,” Louis says, unsure if it’s the truth. He doesn’t even know what he’d talk about if he had a family to call. 

He sleeps fitfully, drifting off wondering if Zayn’s told his family about him, and when he wakes in the morning, Zayn’s gone. 

***

After that, thankfully, things went back to normal for a while. They were back to their old habits of unplanned meetings across from Niall at the bar, buzzed rolls in the hay, and then one or the other leaving the other’s place before falling asleep.

It worked for them. 

And Louis was really good about not taking any closer looks at the family pictures he then noticed on Zayn’s fridge and nightstand and mirror. 

***

“Can I ask you something?” Zayn said one night while fingering Louis. He was face down, ass up in Zayn’s bed. 

Louis tightened around Zayn’s two fingers and canted his hips back. “You can ask…” He wasn’t sure he’d answer. 

Zayn’s other hand rubbed his back, wide sweeping arcs across the whole thing. “I love this tattoo.” 

It wasn’t a question.

Across Louis’ back were his archangel wings, sized down from their original plumage, but still large, covering over half his back. They cut across both shoulders then fell down the sides, meeting close to his tailbone. They looked like an impressive tattoo, but only he and Harry and God knew the truth. 

“Thanks.”

“Did you get it for someone?” 

Louis snorted unattractively and his dick began to go limp. He wanted to tell Zayn. Zayn had given him glimpses of why he didn’t want a relationship—enough so that Louis could put together the other pieces. Too many dudes making promises they couldn’t keep. Louis could relate. And Louis knew that up until now he’s given Zayn no information that hints at his past. But it was easier to be silent, to pretend that he didn’t see Zayn’s curious eyes when he clammed up. 

He’ll give the choice to Zayn. 

“Not a story to tell while we’re fucking,” he said with half a laugh. Zayn could drop the subject and keep fucking him, keep the strings from getting attached, pretend that they weren’t getting closer than Louis was comfortable with. Or Zayn could choose the opposite path—and he did—of pulling his fingers out and wiping them down and sitting comfortably, with his wide, intense eyes boring into Louis. 

“Guess we’re doing this, then,” Louis said, sitting up and missing Zayn’s fingers and the orgasm he was sure to have gotten. “I’m a fallen angel.”

Zayn’s head tilted slightly, but he didn’t say anything.

“Do you know what that means?”

“No, not… exactly.”

“I was an angel. And I sinned. My particular sin was falling in love with a human.”

Zayn still sat quietly. 

“Technically, my sin was choosing the human over an unending celestial existence without him.”

“Oh shit.” Zayn sat up straighter, inched closer.

“The image of my wings were pressed into me, and I was cast out. And now I’m mortal.” That was the short version, but more than he had ever talked about.

“Did he die? Your human?”

“Nope. Nothing so poetic. It was much more mundane, in the end. We kept fighting, we broke up. It was easier to walk away than to fix all that was broken between us.”

“Damn,” Zayn said softly. “All that and you guys gave up on each other?”

“In the end, he gave up on me.” Louis shrugged.

“And he knew—”

“Yeah, I mean, we talked about it before I made a final decision.”

“And that still wasn’t enough for him?” Zayn shook his head sadly.

It was more complicated than that, obviously. Louis had spent a lot of energy being angry and bitter at Harry. But now he knew the truth; no matter the sacrifice, sometimes it doesn’t work out. And it wasn’t really anyone’s fault. “I don’t blame him. Not any more. But, I don’t want to go through that pain again.”

Zayn picked up Louis’ hand and gently kissed his knuckles. It was time for Zayn to leave, because he was damaged goods, and because he hated how Zayn wasn’t looking at him like that. 

“I was married,” Zayn said. “Cliched ending, I suppose. I came home early from work to surprise him and he was in bed with someone else. Had been cheating on me for years, it turned out. That was unfixable.”

Louis squeezed Zayn’s hand. There was so much hurt and pain in the world, and Louis wanted to curse God that shitty things happened to good people like Zayn.

But he knew how fruitless cursing God was. 

So instead they just sat there. 

***

The next time Louis and Zayn fuck, Zayn left an angel magnet on Louis’ bedside table. And not a stereotypical cherubic baby or a human in a halo and a white dress, one that looked a bit hard around the edges. A bit like Louis himself.

With a heavy heart, Louis tossed it in the garbage, and realized that he can’t see Zayn again. Because Zayn had seen this when he was out in the world and had thought of Louis. Because Louis’ heart melted when he saw it and he caught the soft smile that was on his face in the mirror.

They were getting attached. And when people got attached, their hearts ended up broken. 

And Louis wouldn’t sit idly by and let that happen again. 

***

The second worst part about avoiding Zayn was that it meant he was also avoiding Niall. 

Which sucked because he had grown rather fond of Niall. 

The first worst part about avoiding Zayn was how much he missed him. 

His cocky smile when they’d first make eye contact at the bar, his soft sounds as they were screwing, his stupid jokes, and his opinions on super heroes; Louis hoped that his family was taking care of him. 

If he even missed Louis. 

Which he shouldn’t, since they were nothing but a hook up to each other. Zayn probably had lots of guys knocking down his door since Louis stepped aside. 

Louis hated how much that thought hurt. 

***

A few weeks later, when Louis went to get his car inspected, he did a full body double take when he saw Zayn across the garage. Every instinct in his body told him to flee, but Zayn looked up, cocked his head, and furrowed his brow before Louis got a chance. He couldn’t leave after Zayn had seen him; that would just be rude. 

Everything had gone sideways. He wasn’t supposed to be affected by Zayn popping back into his life—even if it was just glares from across a garage—he didn’t mean to get attached. He wasn’t supposed to care.

Once Louis finished signing the waiver and agreed to the charges, Zayn stormed over, wiping his hands off with a white towel. 

“What are you doing here?” Zayn hissed, as he grabbed Louis by the elbow. “You can’t just show up at my work out of the blue like that after ghosting me.”

“I’m getting my car inspected,” Louis said, yanking his arm out of Zayn’s hold. “And how was I supposed to know you worked here?”

“I own it,” Zayn said.

“The point stands! How would I know? You never told me. I wouldn’t have come if I knew.”

Zayn’s anger melted away. “Oh.”

There was so much Louis wanted to say. 

“I thought…” Zayn motioned to a door with a sign reading “Employees Only” written in black sharpie. Louis followed him in. “For a moment I thought you were coming to apologize. Or like, hook up or something.”

“My M.O. isn’t really dropping by sober in the middle of a Tuesday afternoon,” Louis tried to joke. He missed Zayn’s eyes desperately. 

Zayn scoffed. “Yeah, I know. Niall said you haven’t been around.”

“I was catching feelings. I caught feelings. You were just supposed to be a random fuck and then you squirreled your way into my life. We agreed, it was just sex. And then… I learned more about you and you were buying me presents… Zayn, I can’t get hurt again.” He blinked away the tears that were threatening to fall. “I can’t do it again.” His voice wobbled so he shut up.

“Yeah, you look totally fine, Lou,” Zayn said. _Lou._ Louis liked the way Zayn said it. “Definitely not hurting at all.”

“I wish I had never met you,” Louis said, petulant. 

Zayn looked at him in that unnerving way he had. Louis focused on the calendar behind Zayn. It was on the wrong month. “I don’t think you mean that.”

“Fine. I don’t.” Louis rolled his eyes. 

“I don’t want to get hurt either. That was why I was so insistent in the beginning that it was nothing. Because I wanted us both to be clear on where we stood. But, at some point that changed. I like you, Lou. I like you so much, even though you’re closed off and moody. And I didn’t even have your phone number. I had no way to see if you were okay or if it was something I did or… I’ve never been ghosted before and it sucks. I see now why people hate it so much.”

“You didn’t have my number because we weren’t dating.”

“What if we were?”

“What do you mean? I don’t date.”

“What if you did?” Zayn asked. “What if you took another risk? The last one didn’t work out. Maybe this time it won’t work out either. But this feeling sucks. It might hurt later, but it definitely hurts now, to know you don’t want to try.”

“Do you want to try?”

Zayn nodded. “I know it’s stupid, but I do. But not if we can’t talk about it. About us. About what we’re scared of.”

“I’m scared of you walking away after I’ve given all of myself to you.”

“I’m scared of that too.”

Louis didn’t know where to go from there. But the pressure in his chest was lifting. He was feeling hopeful again, for the first time in a very long time. 

“The sex is so good,” Louis says, to lighten the mood.

“God, it’s so good. Can’t imagine ever walking away from that.”

Louis groaned. “Please don’t bring them into this.”

“Right,” Zayn said. “I’ve got like, a million questions.”

“I can try to answer them. There’s a lot I don’t remember though, so don’t be disappointed.”

Zayn shook his head. “Never.” 

Louis wanted to believe him. 

“Can I have your digits?” Zayn asked. “I want to take you out on a proper date, finally.”

That sounded nice. Scary, but nice. Louis took a leap of faith, and gave Zayn his number.

**Author's Note:**

> [Inspiration for this fic came from this fan art by since-he-was-eighteen](https://since-he-was-eighteen.tumblr.com/post/132472151551/but-louis-with-a-back-tattoo). I’ve loved it for four years and have wanted to write something inspired by it for just as long. I’m thrilled that this prompt worked perfectly. 
> 
> Please do not post this fic or any of my other fics on any other websites. I'm not currently allowing translations either. Thank you for respecting my wishes.
> 
> [Here's a tumblr link if you enjoyed it, and want to reblog!](https://louandhazaf.tumblr.com/post/624178271436865536/when-we-hold-on-to-the-past-zouis-3k)  
> [Here's a twitter link if you enjoyed it, and want to retweet!](https://twitter.com/Lou_and_Haz_AF/status/1285252045595975682?s=20)


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